Idiomatic English: poems vs hymns

Bryan at ΚΑΤΑΓΡΑΦΑΙΣ posted last week on the ISV’s use of rhythmic poetry in the New Testament, citing the examples of the Christ-hymns in Colossians 1:15-20 and Philippians 2:5-11. He included the text for the latter:

Have the same attitude among yourselves that was also in the Messiah Jesus:

In God’s own form existed he,
and shared with God equality,
…deemed nothing needed grasping.

Instead, poured out in emptiness,
a servant’s form did he possess,
…a mortal man becoming.

In human form he chose to be,
and lived in all humility,
….death on a cross obeying.

Now lifted up by God to heaven,
a name above all others given,
…this matchless name possessing.

And so, when Jesus’ name is called,
the knees of everyone should fall
…wherever they’re residing.

Then every tongue in one accord,
will say that Jesus the Messiah is Lord,
…while God the Father praising.

I like the concept of what the ISV is trying to do and applaud the effort by the translation team to use an idiomatic English form, but I have issue with both the meter and structure of this passage.

Perhaps there’s a better way to parse it, but I’m reading it in a lilting iambic tetrameter and the commonness of the rhythm feels like the meter in a kid’s book or a set of limericks, rather than something that was or could be sung. However, given that the spoken meter of a verse can be radically changed when sung to a chosen melody, I’m willing to pass over this issue to address the structural complaint.

That is, I wonder if the ISV team went astray in translating to a literary poetic structure rather than one more familiar in the English hymnody? The verse structure of the passage above is a three-line AAB (CCB, DDB, etc.), definitely not a common hymn lyric structure in any recent English hymn tradition.

Compare, for example, the ABABCC of “Be Still, My Soul” (sung to Jean Sibelius’ Finlandia Hymn melody):

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side; (A)
…bear patiently the cross of grief or pain; (B)
leave to thy God to order and provide; (A)
…in every change, he faithful will remain. (B)
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heav’nly Friend (C)
…through thorny ways leads to a joyful end. (C)

or AABB, as in “Lord of the Dance” (sung to the same Shaker melody as “Simple Gifts“):

I danced in the morning when the world was begun, (A)
And I danced in the moon and the stars and the sun, (A)
And I came down from heaven and I danced on the earth, (B)
At Bethlehem I had my birth. (B)

Just as Western lyrical melodies are commonly built on 4- and 8-bar phrases, English hymns depend on the lyrical symmetry of 2- or 4-line verses. A three-line structure as in the ISV is difficult to justify if the intent is to use idiomatic English forms to represent the underlying idea that this was an early Christian hymn (that conclusion in itself is debatable since at least one study has indicated that the passage does not fit any known Hebrew psalmody or Greek hymnody).

Instead, perhaps the Philippians passage should have been rendered more along the traditional lines of this hymn:

Let This Mind Be In You
Words and music: Ross Jutsum, based on Philippians 2:1-11

Fulfill His joy, my breathern, with like and lowly minds;
Let each esteem the other, above themselves and find:

(chorus)
Then with God’s own love, be of one mind and live in one accord;
Always let this mind be in you the mind of Christ our Lord.

Look not upon your own things, but look to others too.
Strive not in vain and glory, in anything you do. (chorus)

When Christ became a servant and gave His life for all,
With selfless, humble love, He obeyed His Father’s call. (chorus)

When at the name of Jesus, when ev’ry knee shall bow,
Then ev’ry tongue confesses the God of glory now. (chorus)

Do you know any other traditional hymns based on this passage (or the Colossians verses) that might be viewed as a translation example into Hymn English (”Hymnglish”)?